Tim Jones-Yelvington Launched a Fragrance

Big news for the fashion and beauty world: The queen of pop, aka her majesty, aka LIT DIVA EXTRAORDINAIRE TJY, announced Friday his partnership with Aramis Designer Fragrances, a division of Estee Lauder Companies, to formulate his first celebrity fragrance. Oh, the sweet smell of style! Rumour has it TJY has requested his fragrance smell like books! Or more specifically, the smell of ink on paper. Rumour has it TJY’s fragrance will smell like makeup and sequins. Enquiring minds wonder: But how do sequins smell??? Rumour has it TJY’s fragrance will be based upon Salome’s dance of the seven veils. Barefoot, sanguine and kohl-eyed, painted and bejeweled, our diva demands a man’s head on a plate in exchange for one single dance…

TJY’s fragrance is inspired by the cobbled streets of Paris, it embodies a mischievous sense of femininity. This fragrance is rich and heavy, controlled by its dry notes. This fragrance contains the romance and excitement of the ancient Middle East. This fragrance is comprised of some interesting ingredients, including: neroli, pink pepper and bamboo. This fragrance contains bergamot and juniper, and is accented with patchouli, musk and cedar. This fragrance has been made with citrus and ginger to capture the pleasure of a stroll through Louis’s garden.

This fragrance contains jasmine, a scent synonymous with old Hollywood glamour. This fragrance contains deep purple velvety hues and erotic spices, with a scent of mysterious, lingering sweetness. This fragrance contains a blend of silver armoise and iced mango that is perfect for the syle-minded man. This fragrance is fruity and floral, inspired by the sensual and provocative woman who wears it. Like a finely tuned machine, this fragrance contains a balanced blend of key ingredients that accentuate ones’ own chemistry and fit with any ensemble, day or evening. Please note that this fragrance contains a tiny amount of an animal-based ingredient. This fragrance takes a walk on the wild side, showing us a new femininity where more is more and excess is everything. This fragrance contains actual 24 karat gold flakes within the perfume!

This fragrance compliments the quiet, fair and tailored personality. Ladies, this is one scent that will make you want to grab your man and hold him close. It opens with tangerine, black currant and freesia, then flows into a heart of fleur de lis. The middle notes include cinnamon, nutmeg, lavender and coriander seeds, finishing off with vetiver, vanilla, tonka, musk, amber and tamboti wood. You just want to eat it, don’t you? And guess what: No calories! (1)

TJY’s fragrance elegantly combines luxury, imagination, and the spirit of adventure. This fragrance contains notes of Egyptian white jasmine, giving it an elegant opulence. This fragrance is built around a whiskey accord and complemented by top notes of mandarin and red apple, leading to a heart of violet, offset by a leather accord. This fragrance packs a full dose of sexy, with undertones of wonderfully delicious fruits. This fragrance contains the following fruity notes: apple, pineapple, papaya, apricot, guava, orange, and passion fruit. This fragrance is crisp, cooling & clean! This manly scent is a blend of sweet, spicy oils, with undertones of woods. Inspired by the giddy, good-all-over feelings we get when spring arrives, this fragrance contains 31 uplifting aromas, including blossoms and lively green notes. This fragrance gives off a very woodsy smell, and contains hints of violet and black hemlock. This fragrance contains the smell of tolu, a Peruvian tree resin. A little bit musky, but no complaints here.

Inspired by the thrill he’s experienced performing worldwide, TJY’s new fragrance allows fans to share the confidence he’s felt before taking the stage. It is the kind of perfume that brings a woman’s sensuality straight from her heart to her handlebars. Rich, earthy and euphoric, this fragrance is recommended for evening wear. This fragrance includes nectarine, cyclamen and marzipan. The result: TJY’s casual glamour, fashioned into a fragrance. It isn’t just a perfume, but an identity. (2) This exhilarating new fragrance gives fans the awe-inspiring rush of turning heads, just like red carpet superstar TJY!

My new fragrance is about taking control but still being a lady, says TJY. Falling in love is a moment every little girl daydreams about. My fragrance represents hope and intrigue. Fragrance is a part of my daily routine, and it evokes strong memories of my mother and grandmother!

This fragrance contains all nature’s strength for contemporary man. This fragrance is a hunter’s dream, the smell of fresh-tilled earth. This fragrance reflects the intensity of the glorious sky. This fragrance contains love, silence, trust, a song of gratitude, a dance with the trees and stars. A truly celestial elixir, this fragrance is reminiscent of ancient forests, savory, mineral-rich soil, dazzling sunlight, magnificent trees and rich moss, decorated by gardens of prized flowers. This fragrance will remind you of your childhood, playing in the yard. In the country, everything has a scent: cow patties, grass, water, rain… and to smell a world like that you have to take it inside your mouth—talk about communion! (3) This fragrance is so thick and vast it could choke a lesser soul who’d never think to ask, What does God smell like? This fragrance contains the high vibrations of exotic woods revered by enlightened beings throughout centuries of spiritual devotion. This fragrance contains real fruit extracts, so you can surround yourself with that summery smell all day long!

This fragrance contains chemicals that are A) categorized as toxic and hazardous, B) have not been adequately evaluated for human safety, and C) have demonstrated negative health effects. This fragrance will cause you to mutate into a gargantuan power drill. Into a mandog! Into a time bomb. Into a form that’s deadly to humans. Into a form that will make you resistant to drug treatments. Into the Spanish flu. Into the Scarebeast. Into a huge event! Into a parasite. Into something more abstract, more personal. But if you really want it to last, you’re going to have to layer it, you know? This fragrance contains essential oils of cinnamon, clove and orange. This fragrance contains Eastern Botanical Complex, a unique balance of tencha, loquat and sophora japonica to revitalize and moisturize the skin.

As he’s no stranger to international stardom, spring storms didn’t deter TJY from launching his fragrance at a tented outdoor garden party in Moscow! Posing with a giant bottle of perfume, the glamboyantly gorgeous celeb showed off his sexy animal instinct in a body-hugging leopard print by Thomas Wylde.

Later, TJY tweeted: I wore the sample just last night, and all the fly girls wanted some!

TJY smiled and waved for swarms of fans, then posed for photographs, prompting a loud cheer. Beyonce’s little sister Solange Knowles worked the ones and twos while guests made small talk and employed the Hollywood roving eye.

TJY’s fragrance is avant-garde, a sheep in wolf’s clothing. Despite its minimalist bone-white flacon, its contents will bewitch and surprise! This fragrance contains 21 individual notes and accords which run the gamut from cold milk and fragrant saffron to royal jelly and smoky cloud. What may at first seem like an arbitrary mix of ingredients will in actual fact intoxicate the senses and capture your imagination. This fragrance contains pheromones. It will make you more attractive for the women. This fragrance contains a percentage of vanilla, which may discolor soaps.

Naturally, this fragrance will appeal to anyone who considers themselves a committed fan of TJY. This includes, but is not limited to, teenaged fans like Karl, who nightly lies in bed and thinks about TJY, how his makeup sparkles, how he might feel if TJY were to reach into the audience, clasp Karl’s hand and pull him onstage, to stand beside TJY and command the adoration of the masses. He spritzes TJY’s fragrance on a stick, holds it to his nose, inhales. He cannot get enough, he is overcome, this smell of possibilities beyond his wildest imaginings. He runs the back of his hand along his cheek, down his neck… Is this touch what is meant by “caress?” At work, at the local mall, Karl begs and pleads, falls prostrate before his manager, cries, Please please please assign me to the TJY display, I will show you, I will do my best, I will give it my everything, I WILL GIVE IT MY ALL. Karl presents TJY’s bottle to passerby, it is spangled in sequins, they catch the track lights and shimmer, cast a lattice on the floor. After hours perched hawking, it becomes his skin, like a growth, growing scales. The sequins cut his flesh, he is trying to relish the sting. Blood squeezed from his palm smears the bottle: The scent of the diva, the blood of the boy. He holds the fragrance like a chalice delivering holy water to the masses: Would you like to sample Desire? (4)

A girl pauses and teeters on her heels. Karl thinks he recognizes her from school, but can’t say for certain, these girls, their ironed hair, their masks, so interchangeable. The teenage girl is a consumer, valuable only as such. Proud bloody angry unicorn, whose use value is naught. She is begging to be loved, she is grossed out by your attention. She’ll make a puking animated GIF with lime photoshopped sparkling vomit: YOU’RE VILE. (5)

She says, to Karl, Would you recommend this? I am searching. I am on a search. …What would you recommend?

Certainly, says Karl, this fragrance comes highly recommended. This fragrance is recommended for daytime wear. This fragrance is recommended for evening wear. This fragrance is recommended for office wear. This fragrance is recommended for the glamorous modern __________. This fragrance is recommended for formal and informal occasions. This fragrance is recommended for the Grammy Awards telecast. This fragrance is recommended for Prom! Karl spritzes a stick and hands it to the girl to sniff. Their fingers touch, a transfer of electricity, and for a moment, for all moments, for infinity, they are bound together in a loop, a cycle of shared confusion and need. This fragrance is what you need. This fragrance is recommended for anyone who aspires to ever be anyone. This fragrance is recommended for you, the character of the character of the character of the character. This fragrance contains in its olfactory pyramid the intensely sensual and provocative persona who wears it. This fragrance is sure to fascinate both women and men.


(1) Green Girl by Kate Zambreno

(2) Green Girl by Kate Zambreno

(3) “Anonymous Children of Martin Luther,” by Debra DiBlasi, in The Jirí Chronicles and Other Fictions

(4) Green Girl by Kate Zambreno

(5) PARDONMYWHOREMOANS by Kate Durbin (http://www.montevidayo.com)

Tim Jones-Yelvington is the author of “Evan’s House and the Other Boys Who Live There” (in “They Could No Longer Contain Themselves,” Rose Metal Press) and “This is a Dance Movie!” (forthcoming, Tiny Hardcore Press). “Tim Jones-Yelvington Launched a Fragrance” is part of his ongoing multimedia performance text LIT DIVA EXTRAORDINAIRE. He edits PANK‘s annual queer issue and serves on the board of directors for Artifice.